WORDS...

"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart." Angela Chase My So-Called Life.

There's something powerful about words that people when they hear you say it might just inspires them or maybe sometimes might hurt them. I can say that all these years I've been in that situation in which I've said things to hurt a person. I am not perfect, I can make mistakes like any ordinary person would. My knowledge of things around me are never ending, it's like everyday I learn new things. There are somethings that are meant be heard and there are somethings that are not meant to be talked about. So if i have something bad to say to a person i'd rather shut up and shut the world around me. Some people doesn't understand but do try to. But there would come a time that I would just be bursting out my feelings that you would have to try to understand when the times come cause i just might have no explanation with you. I can not tell for the moment if i am making sense at all or not? So do bear with me since my thoughts has always been clattered.... I just can't avoid being like this since there are things in my life that doesn't really make sense or maybe they do I just don't see it at the moment. Words will be words so for those who just can't control themself whenever they are angry or mad just close your eyes and count from 1 to 10 and just breathe.... that might just do the trick.

SPECIAL SOMETHING

When something seem to feel right and it feels good you don't want that feeling to go. But what if for some reason you're in a complicated situation which obviously seems to follow me around... Lately i've been thinking what i have when it comes to relationship seems to be normal but then again it's not. A few people that i trusts knows the truth. It hurts to know the truth but i got to face it no matter what happens. Though at times i just don't understand it but everything happens for a reason. I try to decipher everything that is happening to me and i do try to think positively. Sometimes i just can't handle that everything is happening so fast nd yet i stay in this situation. The reality of it all is that I AM IN LOVE. There's a logical and good reason behind it yet i can't comprehend it for the moment....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

April 1 Friday morning woke up feeling good inside though i wasn't really looking forward for that day to come for some reason there was something missing in my life. I can't even explain it nor understand why i feel that way.So it was my birthday! Most of my friends remembered my birthday, some was trying to reach me but they can't some trouble with cellphones or whatever... Feeling just a little bit sad about stuffs in my life but hopefully things would be better for me. The best part of my birthday was having someone special in my life... Got to celebrate that day with my loved ones. Then there was that call this might change everything and it just might be a start of something good. (still crossing my fingers!!!!)

INVISIBLE IN YOUR EYES

Invisible Man

98 DEGREES

You can hardly
wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always
makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when
you're makin' love
He's everything
you've been dreaming of
Oh baby
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes
lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than
any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man
You probably spend
hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter
what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up
whenever he appears
I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...
[Chorus]

I just can't help myself everytime i hear this song it just makes me feel sad. I don't know if i'm still in that phase or i've already outgrown it (maybe...). It hurts to be in that position wherein you find yourself falling inlove with someone who won't love you back. Talking about past experiences yup i can certainly say that i am one of those people. It's like i'd do anything for that person but for some reason he doesn't even know i exist or maybe he does but all he can give me is the gift of friendship. I guess being rejected was mostly part of my life and being love seems to be so new to me like being reborn again. Everyone is so afraid of rejection but who doesn't? In my case i've gotten used to be second choice always the underdog. Maybe i'm putting myself down again but sometimes i couldn't help but feel this way especially if the person i love is the one making me feel this way. I know not everyone can understand this especially that special person. Sometimes everyone feels invisible and when they do no one can truly see what they feel inside, the pain and suffering of feeling rejected and alone. No one can truly understand how it feels like to be behind the scene of a movie and be unrecognized. No one wants to be aone in life and yet sometimes maybe it was meant to be. I guess people just get used to the fact of whatever or wherever they are in their life. The best thing to do is enjoy every minute of your life. The only person who can make you feel good is yourself and no one else can help you if you don't love yourself.

THEME SONG

TRUE
Ryan Cabrera

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
Its true
Cuz I'm afraid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

Chorus
I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waiting
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
Its true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go ill be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

The themesong of my life for the moment. Dedicated to who else my boyfriend. He does not know this but i'm not afraid to tell people about it. For the first time in my life I know how it feels to be loved though as i've always observed it's still with a little complication. I try my best not to get involved with complications but it seems it wants to get attached with me for some unknown reasons. Guess no one is perfect after all, there might be an almost perfect relationship but that's just about it.... Nothing comes close to having THE PERFECT relationship. Everyone has its ups and downs as far as relationship goes. But mine has always been a special case but this time I know that deep down it's normal. As far as relationship goes this is REAL.....

THE BEST TIMES

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)

Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away

Into a grey sky morning

Now I'm here to stay

Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now

I just say your name now

Chorus

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world

Now I'm just a phony

Remembering the girl

Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter

Make yourself feel better

Chorus

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't need me back

You're just the best I ever had

This song just makes all my hair stands up, i just don't know why but everytime i hear this song it just makes me stop from whatever i am doing or from wherever i am. It doesn't really reminds me of anyone in particular like the best i ever had because as for the moment no one comes close or maybe there is this certain someone but not in the past tense because he is very well in my PRESENT TENSE.... so who can argue with that??? Anyway i'm pretty sure that a lot of people would always remember that special someone that they had in the past... It could be that person you had lost or you let go mistakenly. This song fits perfectly and i'm pretty sure someone out there would be joining me sing this song.

There will always be a special someone in your life that you would rather want them back in your life but the reality hits you because somehow you just can't have them back. Maybe there are something better left that way. Maybe it was meant to be and you might as well think of it as a happy memory in your heart.

POEM

I knew from the start

that I could never have your heart

But my heart could never pretend

hoping everything to end.

Holding everything in inside

hoping to hide

Closing my eyes to feel the pain

trying to stop the rain.

Why do I waste my time?

When I know you can never be MINE

For just a moment I would see you standing there

and things would be over.

THIS PART OF MY LIFE...

"Life is about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both." Lana Lang (Smallville)

I'm in a phase right now where i'm having all these changes and as what Lana Lang says change is both painful and beautiful. I guess everything does happen for a reason. My birthday is coming up and i think some change is good for me. Decisions have to be made maybe it's going to be a blessing in disguise as what the saying goes when one door closes, a window opens. There are some things that are better left unsaid so i prefer not to spill what i have in mind about something that has been bothering me these past few months but all i could say is that maybe my being patience will pay off. It's true patience is a virtue as what i always remind myself. Am i making sense with all my thoughts maybe but i am certain that somewhere or someone might be able to decipher what i am feeling or whatever it is bothering me.

I can't be certain of the future but I am sure that the decisions or changes that i make for the moment can affect the future ahead of me. I just hope and pray that whatever it is in store for me would make a big difference in my life.

EXPECTATIONS

"I just think that sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." Jessie Sammler (Once and Again)

It's my brother's birthday and the weirdest thing about it is that we're both the same age for a month. Yez for a whole month!!! The age differnce is just 11 months can't you believe that? When the doctor told my dad to come back after two years she meant it but my parents came back after two months. By next month i would be a year older and maybe wiser. I don't really care about me growing old but the only thing that matters is how i live my life, right? Every year i look forward for something different in my life and now i do have something. BUT there's something that i would really wished for and hoping it would fianlly come true.....

If ever that certain someone would read this one i do hope he/she realizes my wish for my birthday, i don't need no gifts but if you have one for me then thanks a lot..... BUT this wish i have i do hope to finally get it.... I am not sure if it would eventually happen but if it does then everything is good with me. BUT if it doesn't then it's time to give you the TALK....

Enough of my crazy thoughts........ what else is new with me? Got to watch Dawson's Creek this morning and this episode wiht a certain line made my day besides being with my boyfriend (hehehe!!) Dawson was talking to a fortune teller and he was talking about Joey. "How come i keep losing her?" and the fortune teller says "You didn't lose her, what was once lost can be found." referring to Joey. Talking about losing something, i thought i have lost that feeling of being loved but guess again i didn't. I was so negative about certain things in my life that i've forgotten that i should be looking for the brighterside of life. Guess being rejected so many times you feel numbed after a while forgetting to love yourself. That was a phase i was going through up til now. Well now it's a different story but there are still some challenges in my life. Trials that come my way and that's part of the choices i made.

I do hope that this year would be different, still looking forward for new and brighter tomorrows. Still wanting to do a lot of things that i haven't done. Well that's it for now........ have a good week!!!!!!!

MEMORIES

Got to talk to my bestfriends (yup i have two!) and we began to reminisce of old memories like when we were in highschool and also in college. Making me realize how we've grown from being an innocent child to an intelligent women. Capable of being independent and making their own decisions. It's been a while since i last talked to them talking about old times like it was yesterday. I just can't believe we are adults but still in our hearts feeling young. Then i remembered how it used to be, back then all we ever care about was our studies and on the side are boylets. After talking for an hour and half with Mylene finally remembered the name of my crush back in college, his name was Rodney, i could still picture his face in my mind but taht was just it. Mylene was even asking me about the other crushes i've had and it just made me smile for back then i did some crazy stuffs with regards to my crushes. I've had my share of embarrassing moments with them... Then there was my group of friends who were also crazy everytime we were hanging out or having our group studies. How could i ever forget those memories it was such a wonderful time for me. Celeste even had to remind me of those freshman years having this guy who was just so annoying. Talking about our group of friends from highschool, we talked about Janice "JENNY" Oloresisimo... she died 8 years ago a train accident, i can't believe that it has been that long since then. I missed her badly and everytime i was in new york it reminds me of how she was when she was alive. She used to study in NYU and work at the same time. She was one of those people i considered my inspiration when it comes to dealing with life. Since she lived like a 40 years old when in fact she was just 20 years of age. How time flies so fast! Now we are young adults makinga life of our own. Having to deal with life's difficulties and learning from our own mistakes...

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." William Parrish (Meet Joe Black)

What a nice way to start my post! As of today i went to work and got into thinking about certain things that i should do for my boyfriend. I don't know i feel that i should be able to express myself clearly with him though i do know that he knows how i really feel about him. It's a matter of me feeling secure about this relationship i have right now. I sound so serious, well i guess it all boils down to one thing and that is i am in love and i want to let the whole world to know about it. But it isn't simple everything is complicated with me maybe i still have my issues with rejections. I've been rejected so many times that i got so used to it . That when someone comes along and loves me for who or what i am i still fear that somehow i'll be rejected again. It all leads to poor self-esteem and maybe that's an issue i should be dealing with.

Don't i sound pathetic? i guess i have the other serious side of me worrying about the smallest things that sometimes i shouldn't be worried about. I know, i know it sounds so dumb but that's who i am.

A FRESH NEW START

So here i am still thinking for the nth time why i am creating my own blog... i guess i needed to share my thoughts meaning i am ready for people to get to know me and as well as for me to be able to express my thoughts. I was truly convinced by my bestfriend Mylene (though she does not know it yet...) that maybe it's time for me to express myself. I do feel that in doing this i am able to better understand myself and that i could just vent out some bottled up feelings that i've been hiding. Maybe i need some anger management as well or maybe through this blog i could be a better person knowing that i am but sometimes i'm not so sure of things. Some issues needs to be discussed. I am writing again and that's a good thing. It's a fresh new start of the year, wanting to share my thoughts and what has been going on with my life as well.